I knew this day would come- I just wasn’t prepared for it to come so soon.
It did not come totally unexpectedly; it’s just that you push it off in your mind as far as you can interpret the warning signs of aging more positively and just avoid thinking about the consequences: Being a little more unstable on your feet, not having as much drive, leaving some food in the bowl (I know, that is a pretty good indicator that something is coming for a Lab) and an occasional cough. Nothing serious, said the vet 6 months ago. And when we had a quick checkup some weeks ago for an eye infection and had a closer look at the cough, again the verdict was: lungs and heart sound great, overall good health.
Then, the coughing was getting more frequent.
Not just once a day but more every hour.
Not all the time. He was good when moving around. But as soon as he lay down, some 10-20 minutes later, the coughing would start. So, we just moved more. ot a bad thing....
We both went for a mile-long walk to a local street party, and he just loved trotting along with me. No cough, saying hello to every stranger we met. Life was good!
But tonight, again, he started coughing, and it was clearly time to see the vet again- right after our morning walk. So, we checked him out, and all else looked good, so we decided on X-rays to get a better understanding of where that mysterious cough could come from.
When the doctor came back, she asked me to sit down and gave me the talk.
We looked at the x-ray together, and I stared at this big, big mass in his chest.
I wished I could stare it away.
We looked at the fluid accumulation under his lungs and how it started to compress his lungs. It is the most likely source of his coughing whenever he lies down.
So, we talked about the options and timelines and the inevitable: there will be a point when we have to assess his quality of life and make sure that any further suffering does not outweigh the fun he still has of being around us.
I am grateful right now that we still have some time. We knew this moment would have come sooner or later- he is 12 years old. We just pushed it as far out and as far away from us as we could.
We still do not have a date. So, it’s not really any worse than before. It is still somewhere in the blurry future. But with every cough, we have this reminder of a ticking clock, and it will most likely not be many years out.
They just extracted the fluid from under his lungs to make his breathing a little easier, and I will go back and pick him up, and we will enjoy our walk home.
I made chicken for him in bacon fat. He will love it.
I will ask them about treatment options and timelines. And nobody will be able to give me any definitive answers, of course. There is still hope: the cancer is not as aggressive, growing slower than anticipated. I am hoping for a year, it maybe just months. Hopefully not just weeks.
Whatever the verdict of the universe will be, he will love and enjoy the coming days, weeks, and (hopefully) months. I just fried some chicken in bacon fat. A favorite of his that he was only allowed to enjoy in moderation before. Well, I have a feeling there will be way more chicken on the menu for him in the near future. Chicken & Rice is also one of his favorites. And visits to the Arabia Mountain State Park. It's his favorite place because he feels truly free.
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I am lucky and very privileged to make all my Rainbow Boxes here at home. Just got two more orders in while I am typing this. So, Bentley can hang out here with me all day. As soon as I have finished my daily order sheet, we can drop the Rainbow Boxes on our way to the park at the local USPS office and enjoy the rest of the day in Mother Nature.
I have never felt more dedicated to the cause of my little business, helping vets to make the inevitable a little easier for pet owners to bear.
Every wooden box I engrave, every card I print, every single Rainbow Box tells the story of a beloved companion that is leaving a big void behind.
A void that seems impossible to fill.
But in the end, all that’s left are memories. Memories we cherish.
But we first need to grieve and make space in our hearts- so we replace the grief and pain of loss with those sweet memories of all the experiences we had together.
Good or bad, large or small.